Do you remember the Where's Waldo books? If not, it's a book for kids with pictures like this one and your mission is to find the hidden Waldo on each page. I'm usually pretty good at that.
Maybe it's because I *love* mysteries. Maybe I'm just pretty good at finding things. Maybe I'm just able to pick up on where the hidden object is. Whatever the reason, I enjoy any of those hidden-picture things. But lately I'm not seeing the hidden.
I seem to be so focused on the nitty-gritty crap of life that I'm not seeing the big picture. Truthfully, it's driving me nuts. I'm not hearing the spirits or the angels or my inner guidance or whatever your personal belief system calls it. But I don't know *why* I'm not getting those messages.
Is it me? Am I doing something wrong? Probably. At least a little. I know I'm not taking the time I need for myself. But how do I change that? I have a teenager who wants to spend the summer anywhere but here, and a busy life that doesn't always take place in my home or office. I need to take that time. I need to get out of the house. I need to hike through the Black Hills and be in nature. Yet, when I do, there's so much stuff I should/could do around the house that isn't getting done because I'm out "goofing off."
Is it the energy around me? Maybe. I feel like my teenager is doing all she can to pull away. Yes, I know that's normal growing up nonsense, but it hurts. She recently told me I wasn't the best tarot reader for her because I put in too much mom-stuff. That may not sound so bad, but I took it as I wasn't a good reader. It hurt. And even though I heard the words she said, it was her tone that said more than anything else. It hurt. A lot.
Is it work? Maybe. I'm still trying to write that mystery. I am stuck on a part and it just frustrates the hell out of me! I can't even hear messages from the Goddess Brigid (whom I just LOVE, by the way!). Then again, I don't feel much like asking.
Is it clutter? Probably. My office is cluttered and I spend a lot of time in here. Both for work as a web designer, work as a writer, to study, to read. I need to clear some things out and not let my family use my office as their dumping ground. Not for their stuff, their problems, or their negative energy. (And no, the family doesn't always dump their negative on me, but hey, Mom can fix everything, right?)
Am I just not listening? That could be it, too. I'm sure the lessons and the messages are there and I'm just missing them. I need to take the time for me. I need to do what's in/on my heart.
Am I not seeing the opportunities around me? Hmmm... just thought of this one. I really want to read tarot cards professionally. (Maybe that's why it hurt so badly when my teen said what she did.) I don't know how to start reading, though. Well, I mean, I *read* the cards and think I'm pretty good, but how do I get started reading professionally? How do I make that happen? Have there been opportunities that I just didn't see? Messages I didn't hear? If so, how did I miss them? Where did I miss them?
Bottom line is that I need to get out of this funk. I need to remember to ask my amazing husband for help, but not get bitchy when he can't do something (another long story...). I need to expect our teenage daughter to pull her weight (which, granted isn't much -- skinny little thing *grin*) around here before she gets to enjoy the reward. Most importantly, though, is that I need to take time for myself and not be so hard on myself when I fail. And I will fail. I'm still on this path. I still have plans and dreams and goals and I need to continue to strive to reach them.
I'm open to thoughts and suggestions.... Anyone?